I woke up this morning with so much thoughts in my head as to why nothing seems to be working out for me, putting so much efforts to certain things yet no result, having to let go of so much more for one particular thing that is even uncertain. I spent hours on these thoughts and so many things just kept going through my mind, this isn’t the life I wanted, I didn’t plan to just sit at home and do nothing after my service year, I had my life planned out before I left my PPA, how did I get here?, how did my life take this turn?, a whole lots of my mates are doing better than I’m. After hours of going back and forth on these thoughts, I just went down on knees and spoke to God about it, I poured out my heart in tears hoping that God would hear me and grant me all that I wanted right away, so while I was at it, something in me just said to me “at least you are alive and healthy, what about people who are sick or no where to be found atm, here you are crying because the plans you had for yourself is not working out, forgetting about the plans God has for your life” and that moment I asked myself what if all these things I want are not even part of God’s plan for my life or even if they are, what if it’s not time of those things to manifest as the Bible says “God makes all things beautiful in his own “. After this realization, I just told God to let his will be done in my life. This renewed the assurance in my heart about God’s love for me, his good plans for me, and that he would fulfill them all in his own time.
Depression for me wasn’t just about the sad moods; it was more about the numbness, the state of oblivion, feeling the need to walk away from everything that mattered around me. “What if I could just go away and leave it all behind?” says my thoughts every single day, don’t get me wrong, this thought wasn’t suicidal; I just wanted to stay away from everything and everyone and just stop existing. This really wasn’t the first time I had experienced it, it’s very seasonal and I just get better, but this time was completely different as everything I cared about didn’t even matter anymore. I would smile and laugh on the outside but deep inside I was lost, I had a lot of people around me and still felt like I was alone. At first, I was going through my normal daily activities, trying to avoid people asking if something was wrong and gradually, I couldn’t anymore, I stopped working/taking jobs, talking to God became hard. I would just sleep all day, rather than sleep at night, all I would do was just cry and cry until I fell asleep. It was the same circle every day, I wasn’t talking to anyone and I wasn’t doing anything about it. I think it’s easy to see depression as a product of the bad things happening to you, but mine wasn’t, it has never been, it just always happens and I’m never able to figure out why. I was gradually withdrawing from people and things that made me happy, everyone especially my mum would always ask me if something was wrong and I was always so fast at saying “nothing”. This kept on happening and I could see it in my mum’s face that she was worried and confused on what to do, she tried her best but to no avail. I went through the same circle every day for weeks, then months (3), I was seriously losing weight and it was just getting worse. As the months were passing by, I was feeling the need to talk to someone but i couldn’t decide who because I was ashamed.
The word “Love” has always been in existence right from when the world existed and ever since, there hasn’t really been a perfect definition for it as it could mean different things to different people. Love is patient, kind and compassionate, it’s not selfish and finds no fault says the “Holy Bible”. The dictionary also defined love as a profound and caring affection towards someone or a feeling of intense attraction towards someone. Love, for me is very objective and it is more of giving than taking, like the popular saying “you can’t give what you don’t have”, meaning you have to love yourself genuinely before you can love someone else. The quality of your love life is a reflection on how much you love and care for yourself.
Does anyone miss the laughter and simplicity of childhood? If you ask me, of course I do. I miss the days when all I had to worry about was eating my favorite meal and watching my favorite TV shows (cartoons most times). I miss the days when I didn’t have to worry about taking responsibilities or paying bills and how all my needs were met on time just by shedding a few tears. Well, of course, who wouldn’t miss that? No one can deny how exhausting adulthood could be as it comes with some much responsibilities and problems but we all don’t have a choice than to keep growing. The fear of growing up and becoming an adult is very natural, therefore at some point, you will be expected by your peers or elders to be an adult rather than looking for ways to shy away from your responsibilities. In my own opinion, I think the use of the word “adulting” has been completely misused or let me say overemphasized. There is a complete difference between “Adulting” and “Adulthood”.
Hi guys, welcome to the diary of this socially awkward naija girl. I love telling stories based on individual and personal experiences. This blog was created anonymously for the purpose of letting things out just the way they are. I look forward to meeting you all on this journey with me.
you can follow my instagram page @naijagirldiary or contact me via email: firstname.lastname@example.org